onceagain

I have been staying on track walking and eating.  I am also getting one side of our house sanded primed and painted.  the paint has been pealing off and hub pressure washed it and most of the paint fell off.

A great deal of being overweight is head stuff. Feeling down, in pain, deciding “I don’t care” and all that.  Eating without thinking about it to feel, at least, some sort of pleasure.  The mindfully eating is the key.  “Why do I want to eat?”  The question is often so hard to answer.  Often the upset or unhappiness is so low key I don’t even realize I am just seeking pleasure or soothing.  You really have to dig, become extremely sensitive to what you are feeling.  So hard.

Besides the house I have been in my studio painting a lot.  At the same time I took charge of eating and walking, my true nature in painting has finally emerged.  Now I am not searching out in the studio wondering if something is me or mine, I know it is.  I think that is really contributing to my strength in all areas of my life.   I even have been making notes as I work to get my statement in order.  I, now, really have something to say.

I love to walk; especially outside if I can.  It took me a good 4 days to work this site well but, I just love it.  I can map a route before or after I have walked it and get the actual miles I walked.  I check my start and end time and can check cals burned with their calculator using my weight, height, time spent and distance walked.   It gets logged into a monthly tracker.  19 miles and 1000 cals under my belt this week so far.  I did get lost on one walk in a neighborhood I am not familiar with,but I just logged the actual walk later as I noted the streets as I found my way home.

http://www.mapmywalk.com/

a 44, married, mother of four.  I am short (barely over 5′1″). At one time I weighed 160 lbs.  Over a decade of constant on and off dieting I managed to hang at 134 to 145. I am currently at 132 after a few years of yo yo-ing again. I am determined to weigh 120 permenantly if not 110.

I have five siblings, four are women, and all are small 110 to 120.

I recently quit my job and am focusing on running my own business out of my home, and working for my husband, and taking care of the house/kids.

My kids ages are from 8 to 20.

That’s a bit of it. I didn’t realize how connected and social these blogs are and feel a bit like I have run screaming into a group of nice people without saying hi, first…my bad!  Hello!

Well, I finally found a suitable substitute for my homemade frappucino addiction. And no, it’s not green tea with splenda (though I tried). It’s a shot of espresso over ice, with one tablespoon of Lucerene’s creme brulee non dairy creamer (35 cals) and a spoonful of splenda. It didn’t start out this way, nope. It began with sweetened condensed milk (sooo bad). then I got the non dairy creamer and used four tablespoons (actually still reasonable if you don’t drink three a day like me). I went down to two tablespoons and then I added the splenda, and now it’s down to one tablespoon with splenda. Since I do have three coffees a day it’s pretty significant, and I did not have to give up my beloved creamy coffee!

I love soup.  Now that I am back on the “lose it” wagon my interest is renewed.  Tonight some vegetarian with noodles.

I also am eating salad again regularly and more fruits and veggies.  I normally live on bread/crackers and spread/toppings, peanut butter, cream cheese, cheese, salami.  I rarely eat veg and fruit (few times a week not day).  So my desire to lose mostly vanity lbs are turning out to indeed make me healthier.  I am walking again now too.  3 miles today.

I think about how I need to be more rigid about my eating, terrible word, but true. I so easily slip into agreeing, “yeah! lets get a shake.” while out shopping or walking with a buddy. That is how I fail.

I think about how I hate the thought of becoming the “skinny bitch” I generally deride, who I swear is not healthy, swear is totally selfish, imply is no fun and isn’t enjoying life, denying shakes and burgers and all things yummy, while simultaneously wanting to easily slide into clothes I love and looking good in them.  I am the skinny bitch, but without the benefit of looking the part.  I’m the skinny bitch in hiding.  I won’t be able to succeed until my view of “skinny bitch” changes. Until I recognize we are one in the same.  No one worse or better.  That what I always say to myself anyhow, “She isn’t any better than me!”.  She isn’t any worse either.  And their aint no crime in looking good in your clothes.

I have come to realize, through all of this writing, that I have a lot of headwork to do. That I can control my eating fine and I love to walk, and that my downfalls clearly lie in my (wrong) thinking about the kind of people thin, normal and fat people are. I buy into all the stereo-types! The HORROR!!! I also subscribe the the “if your happy your stoopid” camp. Embarrasing as it is to admit. And I tout myself as a moderate! Oh the hypocrasy! Got to get to work…

wish this was easier. this blog stuff. oh well. first day trying to lose weight for the 60,000 time. so far so good!

my one nagging threat, which is putting the cart before the horse, but I’ll address it anyhow; everyone is used to me at least fairly chubby, if not plain old fat. why do I feel like (with the exception of hub) that people wont like it if I’m not fat anymore? i feel thin me would be betraying my friends and family…is that bizarre or what?! betrayal?! is that an excuse? i don’t know, but i think about it, feel it when i am out with my friend, who is also overweight. I also feel pressure to eat. is it real pressure or is it an excuse? i feel like i won’t be fun anymore. and yes, I know that i can be fun not eating and drinking, but knowing it your head and living it don’t always match up (which is why i decided to write about it for the first time ever).

i have such resolve in the beginning. i think that i have not come to terms with the fact that it is a PERMANENT change i need and not a “diet” as much as I have read that this is the case, as many times as I have told myself I understand it to be the case, somehow I end up months down the line slipping back into rationalizing bad habits.

i have never written about my “journey” either (jeez did I really just type journey?) i think my rebelious side is party to blame for my rebounding into bad eating habits again as well as familiarity. i am so ingrained in my thinking of myself as the fat person. i am not the thin woman. not the woman who slides into clothes easily. is it actually scary to be her? is that an excuse?!

my lovely hub would say so. he would laugh at someone saying they are remaining fat because they worry about abandoning thier heavy friends or fell vulnerable and unlike themselves. i don’t think it is an excuse. it is part of the whole of changing eating habits. eating habits dont only include the eating part. they include many other things that make us who we are and abandoning or changing or altering so many of them is scary. if we suceed our eating changes, our movement changes, which changes our bodies and our clothes and others perceptions of us. it is all pretty radical. again i live with a man who would roll his eyes at such thoughts/beliefs and think it’s all an excuse to stay overweight and be able to eat what ever you want. after this writing i think i do disagree. there is far more to it than that.